Healthy boundaries aren’t walls. They’re more like fences. They define what belongs within your space—and what you’re willing to let through the gate. They’re evidence that you know who you are and what you deserve.

I wasn’t always good at boundaries.

In fact, there was a time in my life when I barely had any.

The abuse I experienced growing up taught me very early on that my feelings, needs, and preferences didn’t necessarily matter. Later, an abusive marriage reinforced much of the same message. I share much more about what I experienced and the healing journey that followed in my book, “Why You’re Sick and How to Get Well.”

When a person lives without healthy boundaries long enough, they don’t simply wake up one morning and suddenly know how to establish them. They have to learn them. Practice them. Strengthen them. And sometimes they don’t even realize they need a boundary until someone does or says something that makes them uncomfortable. The act of crossing that line can help you discover where your boundary actually is.

It took me years to rebuild mine—a journey that required rediscovering who I am and what I deserve.

Today, I know who I am. I know what I deserve. And I’m willing to protect both. And so should you.

People Don’t Always Know Your Backstory

One of the interesting things about interacting with people—particularly on social media—is how little they actually know about you.

They see posts. They read a few hundred characters. Maybe they exchange comments with you regularly.

But they don’t necessarily know what you’ve survived, what you’ve overcome, what you’ve studied, or how much work you’ve done to get to where you are.

They may be completely unaware of the tower of strength within you that took years to rebuild.

Recently, someone who regularly interacted with my social media posts responded to something I shared. He began with empathy, but quickly shifted the conversation toward his own experiences and began defining fear and personal power and explaining how he handled similar situations. What he didn’t know—or perhaps had forgotten—is that I’ve been teaching these topics for years.

At first, I was polite.

Eventually, I wasn’t comfortable with the direction the interaction had taken, so I contacted him privately. I explained how his comments had landed with me and clearly stated my boundary.

What happened next was far more revealing than the original interaction.

He became indignant and accusatory, offering all kinds of reasons for his behavior.

My boundary became something he needed to defend himself against.

My perception needed to be corrected.

And eventually, I became the problem.

That’s when I knew the interaction needed to end. He showed me exactly who he is.

Sometimes the Reaction to Your Boundary Is the Answer

This is something I’ve learned both personally and professionally:

Pay attention to what happens when you say no.

Pay attention when you say, “I’m not comfortable with that.”

Pay attention when you tell someone, “This is how I expect to be treated.”

A healthy person may be surprised. They may even disagree with you. But they can still recognize that your boundary belongs to you and deserves consideration.

Someone who benefits from your lack of boundaries may respond very differently.

They may argue.

Explain.

Defend.

Accuse.

Minimize.

Or try to convince you that your boundary itself is unreasonable.

They may push back, and that is a very clear message.

I’ve experienced another version of this recently on social media—one that felt much more like bullying. Different person. Different behavior. Same underlying lesson.

Sometimes people aren’t interested in understanding your position. They’re interested in overpowering it. This is about them and their need to control their image.

And when you refuse to participate, their behavior can intensify.

Social Media Makes Boundaries Even More Important

We’ve all seen the stories in the news about young people experiencing relentless bullying on social media—sometimes with devastating consequences. But online bullying isn’t something that only happens to children and teenagers. Adults bully other adults online, too.

Social media has created an unusual kind of access to other human beings.

Someone can know almost nothing about you yet feel remarkably comfortable telling you what you should think, believe, feel, eat, fear, forgive, accept, or do with your life.

Things many people would never say sitting across a table from you become surprisingly easy to type from behind a screen.

There’s less immediate risk.

They don’t have to look into your eyes.

They don’t have to watch your expression change.

They don’t have to experience the uncomfortable silence after they’ve gone too far.

And sometimes they mistake your willingness to engage with them for permission to keep pushing.

It isn’t.

When someone continues to push after you’ve made your boundary clear, it’s worth paying attention to what’s driving that behavior. The words they use may sound reasonable—even helpful—but the energy behind those words can tell a very different story.

What Energy Are You Bringing With You?

As an Energy Leadership Master Practitioner, I’ve spent years working with energy and the ways our perceptions influence how we interact with the world around us.

One of the things I’ve learned is that the words someone uses don’t always tell you the whole story.

Someone may say, “I’m only trying to help.”

But what’s underneath the helping?

Is it genuine concern?

Or is it fear?

Anger?

A need to be right?

A need for approval?

Victimhood?

Unresolved trauma?

The Energetic Self-Perception framework teaches us to recognize different levels of energy—from catabolic energies associated with victimhood and conflict to increasingly anabolic energies associated with responsibility, compassion, opportunity, collaboration, and nonjudgment.

And here’s something important:

Someone can use the language of helping while operating from a much lower energy.

Sometimes you don’t see that clearly until you stop giving them the response they want.

Then the underlying energy reveals itself.

That’s not judgment.

That’s discernment.

Their words and behavior are information.

You Don’t Have to Carry Someone Else’s Cloud

I keep thinking about Pig-Pen from Peanuts.

Wherever Pig-Pen went, that cloud of dust went with him.

Now imagine that instead of dust, someone’s cloud contains fear, anger, resentment, grief, insecurity, victimhood, blame, or a constant need for validation.

We all carry energy into our interactions.

But here’s the important part:

Someone else’s cloud doesn’t have to become yours.

That’s one of the purposes of boundaries.

You can have compassion for someone’s pain without allowing that pain to spill into your life.

You can understand why someone behaves the way they do without accepting the behavior.

You can recognize someone’s wounds without volunteering to become their bandage.

And you can wish someone well—from a distance.

That’s an example of empathy.

I Had to Learn This

There was a time when doing that would have been extraordinarily difficult for me.

The person who once struggled to establish even basic boundaries eventually learned that protecting herself wasn’t cruel, selfish, or unkind.

It was necessary for survival.

And every time I enforced a boundary, I strengthened that part of myself a little more. These days, I sometimes surprise myself with how naturally it comes.

That’s why I don’t view the end of every relationship as a loss.

Sometimes the relationship was only able to exist because you weren’t enforcing your boundaries.

The moment you do, everything changes.

And if the relationship cannot survive your self-respect, perhaps it wasn’t a relationship you needed to preserve.

When a relationship ends because you enforced your boundaries, it’s not failure. It’s success because you’ve removed a toxic person from your life.

Sometimes, the ending is evidence that the boundary worked.

Give Yourself Time

I wrote about boundaries a few years ago in Let’s Talk About the “B” Word. One of the things I emphasized then was that when you begin establishing boundaries, it’s important to give the people around you time to adjust.

But it’s just as important to give yourself time to adjust.

If you’ve spent years—or decades—without healthy boundaries, you aren’t going to build them overnight.

You may not recognize a boundary until after someone has crossed it.

You may say yes when you really want to say no.

You may struggle to speak up because you don’t want to disappoint someone.

You may enforce a boundary and then question yourself afterward.

That’s part of the process.

Building boundaries takes practice. And every time you recognize one, communicate it, and stand by it, you strengthen that part of yourself a little more.

Eventually, what once felt uncomfortable begins to feel natural.

You become clearer about what you will and won’t accept. You become more comfortable protecting your time, your energy, and your peace. And you begin to understand that the people who truly respect you will also learn to respect your boundaries.

So if you’re still learning, be patient with yourself.

I certainly didn’t get here overnight.

You don’t have to either.

Healthy boundaries are built over time—one boundary at a time.

“The source of healthy boundaries is self-love and self-respect.”
— James Clear

Sometimes the most powerful boundary you can change is the one you didn’t know was there.

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Discover the Energy Behind How You Show Up

Boundaries begin with self-awareness. But how aware are you of the energy you’re bringing into your relationships, your decisions, and the way you respond when someone pushes against you?

The Energy Leadership™ Index (ELI) assessment gives you a snapshot of how you currently perceive and approach your life—particularly when you’re under stress. It can help uncover patterns you may not even realize are influencing your choices, reactions, relationships, and personal boundaries.

Unlike a personality assessment that tells you who you are, the ELI assessment helps you understand how you’re showing up—and what you have the power to change.

If you’re ready to take a deeper look at the energy shaping your life, schedule a Discovery Session and we’ll discuss how it works.